The Provincial Landlady by H. Chance Newton

Oh, dear Mister Editor, sir, if you please, they say you're a kind and humanious gent, sir,
Which listens attentive to troubles and woes sech as worry an 'ard-working woman like me;
I'm worrited dreadful from morning to night with working and toilin' and sech,—which the rent, sir,
Is not always quite so forthcoming as I, with my fam'ly, would wish it to be!
Which I keeps a big house in the square, sir, not five minits' walk from the R'yal Theaytre,
Jest oppersit Muggins's Music-hall, sir, which its "public" is known as the "Linnet and Lamb"—
But I am a lamb, sir, to stand it as I do, a-working away up till midnight, or later,
For a lot of purfessional folks, which the best of the bunch, sir, is nothing but sham!
From them music-hall people as lodges with me is a set which I'm sure, sir, is simply outragious,
A-rushin' all over the house when I've scrubbed it and cleaned it jest like a new pin;—
And as for them second-floor folks (which is niggers) believe me their conduct is something rampagious,
A-larkin' all over the landing, a-spoilin' the paper,—it's really a sin!
And the party wot sings comic songs, sir, goes in and out shouting whenever he pleases,
And the next floor (the serio-comic)—well, there, she's a stuck-up, impertinent miss,
Which the last ones as had them apartments wos folks as performed on the "flyin' trapeeses,"
And went away two pun' thirteen in my debt, and I've never beheld 'em from that day to this.
Than there's that ventrillikist party, as imitates different voices, and that, sir,—
He frightens me out of my wits, which I'm sure as I haven't too many to spare;
And as for that Muggins's chairman, I frequently finds him asleep on the mat, sir,
Which I characterises behaviour like that as werry disgraceful and shocking—so there!
Then the Sisters Mac-Jones (them duettists) comes bouncin' all over the place, quite disdainful,
A fault-findin' day after day, sir, dressed up in their fal-de-rals, looking like guys;
And the party that sings sentimental goes on in a way as to me, sir, is painful,
He smokes a long pipe in the garding, which dreadful proceedings I can't but despise.
Then a troop which I think is called ackribacks, knocks my best parlour to rack and to ruin,
A-chucking of summersets over my splendid meeogany tables and chairs;
Why to-day they all stood on their heads in the passage: "Good gracious," I shouted, "why what are you doin'?"
When they twisted their legs round their necks, sir, made faces, and told me to toddle downstairs!
Which I don't wish to make a remark, sir, that might be unpleasant, but while I was at it
I thought as I'd mention the matters that cause me continual worry and din,
For if you excuse the expression, I ses, as for lettin' of lodgins',—oh, drat it!
"If it wasn't for makin' it out of their board," sir,—by jingers, I'd never let lodgins' agin!