Sketches of
Young Gentlemen
by Charles
Dickens
TO THE YOUNG LADIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN
AND IRELAND; ALSO THE YOUNG LADIES OF THE PRINCIPALITY
OF WALES, AND LIKEWISE THE YOUNG LADIES RESIDENT IN THE
ISLES OF GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK, THE HUMBLE
DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,
SHEWETH, -
THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous indignation,
a work purporting to be ‘Sketches of Young Ladies;’ written
by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume, square twelvemo.
THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your Honourable
sex, were never contained in any previously published work, in twelvemo
or any other mo.
THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your Honourable
sex are described and classified as animals; and although your Dedicator
is not at present prepared to deny that you are animals, still
he humbly submits that it is not polite to call you so.
THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also described
as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught your Honourable
sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be an injurious and disrespectful
appellation.
THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in malice
prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which, your Dedicator
contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his assuming the name of
Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a foregone conclusion,
and implies an intention of quizzing.
THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author
of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence reposed
in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he never could
have acquired so much information relative to the manners and customs
of your Honourable sex in general.
THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained in
the said work, square twelvemo, entitled ‘Sketches of Young Ladies,’
your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square twelvemo, entitled
‘Sketches of Young Gentlemen,’ of which he now solicits
your acceptance and approval.
THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young Gentlemen,
so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of the Young Ladies;
and extending the comparison from animals (to quote the disrespectful
language of the said Quiz) to inanimate objects, your Dedicator humbly
suggests, that such of your Honourable sex as purchased the bane should
possess themselves of the antidote, and that those of your Honourable
sex who were not rash enough to take the first, should lose no time
in swallowing the last,—prevention being in all cases better than
cure, as we are informed upon the authority, not only of general acknowledgment,
but also of traditionary wisdom.
THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator
has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed directions
issued with Doctor Morison’s pills; namely, that whenever your
Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you will be pleased to
take fifty of Number 2, without delay.
And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.
THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day, opposite
a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he irresistibly
attracted our attention.
This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise
of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very velvet-like,
soft-looking countenance. We do not use the latter term invidiously,
but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump, highly-coloured cheeks
of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather remarkable for the fresh
hue of the lips than for any marked or striking expression it presented.
His whole face was suffused with a crimson blush, and bore that downcast,
timid, retiring look, which betokens a man ill at ease with himself.
There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful young
gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-stairs,
into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way towards
us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting several persons
who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with visible emotion, and
pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good couple of minutes, after
which he dived in a nervous manner across the room, oversetting in his
way a fine little girl of six years and a quarter old—and shrouding
himself behind some hangings, was seen no more, until the eagle eye
of the hostess detecting him in his concealment, on the announcement
of dinner, he was requested to pair off with a lively single lady, of
two or three and thirty.
This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high respect,
and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if we had not
suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in making a desperate
effort to get through the ceremony of introduction, had, in the bewilderment
of his ideas, shaken hands with us at random. This impression
was fully confirmed by the subsequent behaviour of the bashful young
gentleman in question, which we noted particularly, with the view of
ascertaining whether we were right in our conjecture.
The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident misgivings,
and turning sharp round to pay attention to some observation of his
loquacious neighbour, overset his bread. There was nothing very
bad in this, and if he had had the presence of mind to let it go, and
say nothing about it, nobody but the man who had laid the cloth would
have been a bit the wiser; but the young gentleman in various semi-successful
attempts to prevent its fall, played with it a little, as gentlemen
in the streets may be seen to do with their hats on a windy day, and
then giving the roll a smart rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked
it with great adroitness into a tureen of white soup at some distance,
to the unspeakable terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman,
who was dispensing the contents. We thought the bashful young
gentleman would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon
the violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this catastrophe.
From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy, that
it was ‘all up’ with the bashful young gentleman, and so
indeed it was. Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve
his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only
augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry, champagne,
hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part of the mixture
externally, instead of internally, they gradually dropped off, and left
him to the exclusive care of the talkative lady, who, not noting the
wildness of his eye, firmly believed she had secured a listener.
He broke a glass or two in the course of the meal, and disappeared shortly
afterwards; it is inferred that he went away in some confusion, inasmuch
as he left the house in another gentleman’s coat, and the footman’s
hat.
This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent characteristics
of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as this portable volume
will be the great text-book of young ladies in all future generations,
we record them here for their guidance and behoof.
If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance
to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his acquaintance,
nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation. His first impulse
is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past them, which he does
until, observing that they wish to stop, but are uncertain whether to
do so or not, he makes several feints of returning, which causes them
to do the same; and at length, after a great quantity of unnecessary
dodging and falling up against the other passengers, he returns and
shakes hands most affectionately with all of them, in doing which he
knocks out of their grasp sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks
up, and returns very muddy and disordered. The chances are that
the bashful young gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and
being reminded that it has only just left off raining for the first
time these three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had
said a very good thing. The young lady who was most anxious to
speak, here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear
sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the
slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is remarkably
well. ‘Well, Mr. Hopkins!’ cries the young lady, ‘why,
we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly miserable
about her.’ ‘Oh, ah,’ says the young gentleman,
‘so she was. Oh, she’s very ill, very ill indeed.’
The young gentleman then shakes his head, and looks very desponding
(he has been smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short
pause, gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a
strong emphasis on the adjective, ‘Good morning, good
morning.’ And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment
of several little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces,
and comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat
off in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he
is going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter attracts
his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile cheerfully to
the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he has the satisfaction
of seeing, are all laughing heartily.
At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains
as near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he
smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps forward
to shake hands with more intimate friends: a process which on each repetition
seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before. He declines dancing
the first set or two, observing, in a faint voice, that he would rather
wait a little; but at length is absolutely compelled to allow himself
to be introduced to a partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing
furiously, across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies
are congregated together.
‘Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next quadrille.’
Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously. Mr. Hopkins bows, and
his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr. Hopkins, as he too well
knows, to make himself agreeable. The young lady more than half
expects that the bashful young gentleman will say something, and the
bashful young gentleman feeling this, seriously thinks whether he has
got anything to say, which, upon mature reflection, he is rather disposed
to conclude he has not, since nothing occurs to him. Meanwhile,
the young lady, after several inspections of her bouquet, all
made in the expectation that the bashful young gentleman is going to
talk, whispers her mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the
bashful young gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very
good reason) must be about him. In this comfortable condition
he remains until it is time to ‘stand up,’ when murmuring
a ‘Will you allow me?’ he gives the young lady his arm,
and after inquiring where she will stand, and receiving a reply that
she has no choice, conducts her to the remotest corner of the quadrille,
and making one attempt at conversation, which turns out a desperate
failure, preserves a profound silence until it is all over, when he
walks her twice round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires
in confusion.
A married bashful gentleman—for these bashful gentlemen do
get married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to
us—a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear
bold by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own insignificance.
Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or avoided. They are
never hopeless, and never will be, while female beauty and attractions
retain their influence, as any young lady will find, who may think it
worth while on this confident assurance to take a patient in hand.
THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN
Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—those
who have something to do, and those who have nothing. I shall
commence with the former, because that species come more frequently
under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn and
to instruct.
The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one general
direction to ‘make that what’s-a-name a regular bang-up
sort of thing.’ For some years past, the favourite costume
of the out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with
two gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger
than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a wide-brimmed
hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and iron-shod boots.
Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash stick, but only on special
occasions, for he prefers keeping his hands in his coat pockets.
He smokes at all hours, of course, and swears considerably.
The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-house
or solicitor’s office, in which he does as little as he possibly
can: his chief places of resort are, the streets, the taverns, and the
theatres. In the streets at evening time, out-and-out young gentlemen
have a pleasant custom of walking six or eight abreast, thus driving
females and other inoffensive persons into the road, which never fails
to afford them the highest satisfaction, especially if there be any
immediate danger of their being run over, which enhances the fun of
the thing materially. In all places of public resort, the out-and-outers
are careful to select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at
full length, and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other
case) he lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted
firmly on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make
room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without going
at all out of his way to do it. He always sits with his hat on,
and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is proceeding, with
a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be possible for one or
two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a little crowding in the passages,
they are quite in their element, squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting
in the most humorous manner possible. If they can only succeed
in irritating the gentleman who has a family of daughters under his
charge, they are like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their
companions for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were
‘devilish fine girls,’ and that they really thought the
youngest would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render
the joke complete.
If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of
course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they (poor
things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too weak-spirited
and moping for him. Sometimes, however, on a birth-day or at Christmas-time,
he cannot very well help accompanying them to a party at some old friend’s,
with which view he comes home when they have been dressed an hour or
two, smelling very strongly of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging
his rough coat for some more suitable attire (in which however he loses
nothing of the out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all
the way at his own good nature: his bitter reflections aggravated by
the recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little impromptu
dinner at a fighting man’s, and that a set-to was to take place
on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-in-law,
which is probably ‘coming off’ at that very instant.
As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in
ladies’ society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room
when they reach the friend’s, and unless one of his sisters is
kind enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled
by the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside
the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and manner
(for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a brother
out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his way.
Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the second out-and-outer
confidentially informs the first, that he is one of the rough sort and
hates that kind of thing, only he couldn’t very well be off coming;
to which the other replies, that that’s just his case—‘and
I’ll tell you what,’ continues the out-and-outer in a whisper,
‘I should like a glass of warm brandy and water just now,’—‘Or
a pint of stout and a pipe,’ suggests the other out-and-outer.
The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each
of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands
what’s what: and they become fast friends at once, more especially
when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a gentleman,
long favourably known to his familiars as ‘Mr. Warmint Blake,’
who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a manner that
would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who—having been
a pretty long time about town—had the honour of once shaking hands
with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.
At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves, brightening
up very much when the ladies leave the table, and proclaiming aloud
their intention of beginning to spend the evening—a process which
is generally understood to be satisfactorily performed, when a great
deal of wine is drunk and a great deal of noise made, both of which
feats the out-and-out young gentlemen execute to perfection. Having
protracted their sitting until long after the host and the other guests
have adjourned to the drawing-room, and finding that they have drained
the decanters empty, they follow them thither with complexions rather
heightened, and faces rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady
of the house whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great
terror of the whole room, that ‘both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins
are very nice sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric
persons, and unfortunately rather too wild!’
The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning
any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how. These respectable
gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in external
appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and attractive
characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree, and now and
then find their way into society, through the medium of the other class
of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes carry them home,
and who usually pay their tavern bills. As they are equally gentlemanly,
clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and well-bred, we need scarcely have
recommended them to the peculiar consideration of the young ladies,
if it were not that some of the gentle creatures whom we hold in such
high respect, are perhaps a little too apt to confound a great many
heavier terms with the light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth
to take in a strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude
of construction.
THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
We know—and all people know—so many specimens of this
class, that in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take
from a great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly
young gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon
a more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign the
priority.
The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody,
but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three families:
regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of acquaintance,
or some other criterion in which he has an immediate interest.
He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of course, must
be fond of children, and is expected to make himself generally useful
if possible. Let us illustrate our meaning by an example, which
is the shortest mode and the clearest.
We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had lost
sight for some years, and who—expressing a strong anxiety to renew
our former intimacy—urged us to dine with him on an early day,
that we might talk over old times. We readily assented, adding,
that we hoped we should be alone. ‘Oh, certainly, certainly,’
said our friend, ‘not a soul with us but Mincin.’
‘And who is Mincin?’ was our natural inquiry. ‘O
don’t mind him,’ replied our friend, ‘he’s a
most particular friend of mine, and a very friendly fellow you will
find him;’ and so he left us.
‘We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves
at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend motioned
towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his teeth by the
fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr. Mincin, of whom
he had spoken. It required no great penetration on our part to
discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a very friendly
young gentleman.
‘I am delighted,’ said Mincin, hastily advancing, and
pressing our hand warmly between both of his, ‘I am delighted,
I am sure, to make your acquaintance—(here he smiled)—very
much delighted indeed—(here he exhibited a little emotion)—I
assure you that I have looked forward to it anxiously for a very long
time:’ here he released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed,
that the day was severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from
our appearance that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on
to observe, that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had
that morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to
the effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of Chichester,
a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven feet seven inches
in circumference, which he looked upon as a very extraordinary piece
of intelligence. We ventured to remark, that we had a dim recollection
of having once or twice before observed a similar paragraph in the public
prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took us confidentially by the button,
and said, Exactly, exactly, to be sure, we were very right, and he wondered
what the editors meant by putting in such things. Who the deuce,
he should like to know, did they suppose cared about them? that struck
him as being the best of it.
The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin’s
friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution in
consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a large
easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it, carefully
closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the windows to see
that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself upon all these points,
he expressed himself quite easy in his mind, and begged to know how
she found herself to-day. Upon the lady’s replying very
well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical gentleman) offered some
general remarks upon the nature and treatment of colds in the head,
which occupied us agreeably until dinner-time. During the meal,
he devoted himself to complimenting everybody, not forgetting himself,
so that we were an uncommonly agreeable quartette.
‘I’ll tell you what, Capper,’ said Mr. Mincin to
our host, as he closed the room door after the lady had retired, ‘you
have very great reason to be fond of your wife. Sweet woman, Mrs.
Capper, sir!’ ‘Nay, Mincin—I beg,’ interposed
the host, as we were about to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably
was particularly sweet. ‘Pray, Mincin, don’t.’
‘Why not?’ exclaimed Mr. Mincin, ‘why not? Why
should you feel any delicacy before your old friend—our
old friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you,
I ask?’ We of course wished to know why he should also,
upon which our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper was a very sweet
woman, at which admission Mr. Mincin cried ‘Bravo!’ and
begged to propose Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our
host said, ‘Thank you, Mincin,’ with deep feeling; and gave
us, in a low voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper’s
cousin’s life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half,
which he considered no common circumstance—an opinion to which
we most cordially subscribed.
Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with conversation,
Mr. Mincin’s extreme friendliness became every moment more apparent;
he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was impossible to talk
about anything in which he had not the chief concern. We happened
to allude to some affairs in which our friend and we had been mutually
engaged nearly fourteen years before, when Mr. Mincin was all at once
reminded of a joke which our friend had made on that day four years,
which he positively must insist upon telling—and which he did
tell accordingly, with many pleasant recollections of what he said,
and what Mrs. Capper said, and how he well remembered that they had
been to the play with orders on the very night previous, and had seen
Romeo and Juliet, and the pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint
had been led into the lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after
all, and went back again, with many other interesting and absorbing
particulars: after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure
us, that our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion
of that same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two
morning papers took the same view next day: to this our friend replied,
with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some reason to think
he had been correct, which gave the friendly young gentleman occasion
to believe that our friend was always correct; and so we went on, until
our friend, filling a bumper, said he must drink one glass to his dear
friend Mincin, than whom he would say no man saved the lives of his
acquaintances more, or had a more friendly heart. Finally, our
friend having emptied his glass, said, ‘God bless you, Mincin,’—and
Mr. Mincin and he shook hands across the table with much affection and
earnestness.
But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene
like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased éclat.
Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear friends the
Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers, and his dear friends
the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends too numerous to mention.
He is as much at home with the Martins as with the Cappers; but how
exquisitely he balances his attentions, and divides them among his dear
friends! If he flirts with one of the Miss Watsons, he has one
little Martin on the sofa pulling his hair, and the other little Martin
on the carpet riding on his foot. He carries Mrs. Watson down
to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin on the other, and takes wine so
judiciously, and in such exact order, that it is impossible for the
most punctilious old lady to consider herself neglected. If any
young lady, being prevailed upon to sing, become nervous afterwards,
Mr. Mincin leads her tenderly into the next room, and restores her with
port wine, which she must take medicinally. If any gentleman be
standing by the piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin
seizes him by the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating
time the while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception
of the delicacy of the passage. If anybody’s self-love is
to be flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand. If anybody’s overweening
vanity is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it. What wonder
that people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin’s friendliness;
that he is universally allowed to be handsome as amiable; that mothers
think him an oracle, daughters a dear, brothers a beau, and fathers
a wonder! And who would not have the reputation of the very friendly
young gentleman?
THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that military
young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes of the young
ladies of this kingdom. We cannot think so lightly of them as
to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man’s wearing a red
coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if this
were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the circumstance,
because, although the analogy may in some degree hold good in the case
of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen wear red coats, and
they are not to our knowledge better received than other men;
nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear) not only red coats,
but very resplendent and massive badges besides—much larger than
epaulettes. Neither do the twopenny post-office boys, if the result
of our inquiries be correct, find any peculiar favour in woman’s
eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets, and have the additional
advantage of constantly appearing in public on horseback, which last
circumstance may be naturally supposed to be greatly in their favour.
We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise
in the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other gentlemen
in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably represented as
fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but charming girls, their
king and country, their honour, and their debts, and crowing over the
inferior classes of the community, whom they occasionally treat with
a little gentlemanly swindling, no less to the improvement and pleasure
of the audience, than to the satisfaction and approval of the choice
spirits who consort with them. But we will not devote these pages
to our speculations upon the subject, inasmuch as our business at the
present moment is not so much with the young ladies who are bewitched
by her Majesty’s livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads
are turned by it. For ‘heads’ we had written ‘brains;’
but upon consideration, we think the former the more appropriate word
of the two.
These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes—young
gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who, having
an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things appertaining to
a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune or adverse relations
to wear out their existence in some ignoble counting-house. We
will take this latter description of military young gentlemen first.
The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are concentrated
in his favourite topic. There is nothing that he is so learned
upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering for an instant,
what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned up with, what regiment
wear stripes down the outside and inside of the leg, and how many buttons
the Tenth had on their coats; he knows to a fraction how many yards
and odd inches of gold lace it takes to make an ensign in the Guards;
is deeply read in the comparative merits of different bands, and the
apparelling of trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting
upon ‘crack regiments,’ and the ‘crack’ gentlemen
who compose them, of whose mightiness and grandeur he is never tired
of telling.
We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other day,
after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the profusion
of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies in the articles
of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly ‘cracked’
regiments would be an improvement upon ‘crack,’ as being
a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly interrupted
us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must hurry off to
the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the band play.
Not wishing to interfere with so important an engagement, and being
in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the anecdotes of the honourable
ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no attempt to detain the military young
gentleman, but parted company with ready good-will.
Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near to
one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse soldiers mount
guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the motionless appearance
and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was devouring both man and
horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he seemed deaf and blind to all
that was passing around him. We were not much surprised at the
discovery that it was our friend, the military young gentleman, but
we were a little astonished when we returned from a walk to South
Lambeth to find him still there, looking on with the same intensity
as before. As it was a very windy day, we felt bound to awaken
the young gentleman from his reverie, when he inquired of us with great
enthusiasm, whether ‘that was not a glorious spectacle,’
and proceeded to give us a detailed account of the weight of every article
of the spectacle’s trappings, from the man’s gloves to the
horse’s shoes.
We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our
daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young gentlemen
to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and contemplate them at leisure,
in periods varying from fifteen minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.
We were much struck a day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising
young butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot
be too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection
of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity, and
as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work.
But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time,
and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he emerges
from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town), and takes
the way towards the high street. He wears his undress uniform,
which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but still how great,
how grand, he is! What a happy mixture of ease and ferocity in
his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries that dreadful sword
under his arm, making no more ado about it than if it were a silk umbrella!
The lion is sleeping: only think if an enemy were in sight, how soon
he’d whip it out of the scabbard, and what a terrible fellow he
would be!
But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter;
and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen, arm-in-arm,
who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron heels on the pavement,
and clashing their swords with a noise, which should cause all peaceful
men to quail at heart. They stop to talk. See how the flaxen-haired
young gentleman with the weak legs—he who has his pocket-handkerchief
thrust into the breast of his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians
who linger to look upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates
his head in the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while
the third stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands
behind him. Well may we inquire—not in familiar jest, but
in respectful earnest—if you call that nothing. Oh! if some
encroaching foreign power—the Emperor of Russia, for instance,
or any of those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen
as they move on together towards the billiard-room over the way, wouldn’t
he tremble a little!
And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by command
of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison—what
a splendid sight it is! How sternly the defenders of their country
look round the house as if in mute assurance to the audience, that they
may make themselves comfortable regarding any foreign invasion, for
they (the military young gentlemen) are keeping a sharp look-out, and
are ready for anything. And what a contrast between them, and
that stage-box full of grey-headed officers with tokens of many battles
about them, who have nothing at all in common with the military young
gentlemen, and who—but for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity
in their looks and bearing—might be common hard-working soldiers
for anything they take the pains to announce to the contrary!
Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed
young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises them
too, only he doesn’t care to show it just now. Very well
done indeed! He talks louder to the little group of military young
gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies
in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces may
undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have subjected, in
not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the female portion of the
audience. Oh! a gentleman in the same box looks round as if he
were disposed to resent this as an impertinence; and the flaxen-headed
young gentleman sees his friends at once, and hurries away to them with
the most charming cordiality.
Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party, receive
the military young gentleman with great warmth and politeness, and in
five minutes afterwards the military young gentleman, stimulated by
the mamma, introduces the two other military young gentlemen with whom
he was walking in the morning, who take their seats behind the young
ladies and commence conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant
bow upon a rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military
young gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment
three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole
world.
THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
Once upon a time—not in the days when pigs drank wine,
but in a more recent period of our history—it was customary to
banish politics when ladies were present. If this usage still
prevailed, we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen,
for ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a
political young gentleman was. But as this good custom in common
with many others has ‘gone out,’ and left no word when it
is likely to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means
rare, and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are
bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to neglect
this natural division of our subject.
If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and
there are political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes),
he is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles
communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote, so
the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists his mental
vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party feeling.
The political young gentleman would as soon think of being struck with
the beauty of a young lady in the opposite interest, as he would dream
of marrying his sister to the opposite member.
If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually
some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very clearly
explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing, and not to
be very easily got over by the other side. He has also some choice
sentences regarding church and state, culled from the banners in use
at the last election, with which he intersperses his conversation at
intervals with surprising effect. But his great topic is the constitution,
upon which he will declaim, by the hour together, with much heat and
fury; not that he has any particular information on the subject, but
because he knows that the constitution is somehow church and state,
and church and state somehow the constitution, and that the fellows
on the other side say it isn’t, which is quite a sufficient reason
for him to say it is, and to stick to it.
Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people. If
a fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are broken,
and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the newspaper with
a triumphant air, and exclaims, ‘Here’s your precious people!’
If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at race time, when it ought
to be kept clear, the young gentleman looks indignantly round, and begs
you to observe the conduct of the people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe
between the play and the afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries
‘No’ and ‘Shame’ till he is hoarse, and then
inquires with a sneer what you think of popular moderation now;
in short, the people form a never-failing theme for him; and when the
attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells upon it with great power
of eloquence at election time, as he never fails to do, the young gentleman
and his friends, and the body they head, cheer with great violence against
the other people, with whom, of course, they have no possible
connexion. In much the same manner the audience at a theatre never
fail to be highly amused with any jokes at the expense of the public—always
laughing heartily at some other public, and never at themselves.
If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions
to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and logical
deductions therefrom. If he be of the utilitarian school, too,
which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant company, having
many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary principle and various
cheerful disquisitions connected with the population of the country,
the position of Great Britain in the scale of nations, and the balance
of power. Then he is exceedingly well versed in all doctrines
of political economy as laid down in the newspapers, and knows a great
many parliamentary speeches by heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms,
none of them exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle
the toughest question and leave you nothing to say. He gives all
the young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest
woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr. Hawkins
the new member, says he’s very well for a representative, all
things considered, but he wants a little calling to account, and he
is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him down on his
knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates. At this, the
young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a Member of Parliament
is not to be brought upon his knees so easily; in reply to which the
political young gentleman smiles sternly, and throws out dark hints
regarding the speedy arrival of that day, when Members of Parliament
will be paid salaries, and required to render weekly accounts of their
proceedings, at which the young ladies utter many expressions of astonishment
and incredulity, while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little
else than blasphemous.
It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political young
gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question across a
dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were admitted to Westminster
Abbey for nothing, they would or would not convey small chisels and
hammers in their pockets, and immediately set about chipping all the
noses off the statues; or whether, if they once got into the Tower for
a shilling, they would not insist upon trying the crown on their own
heads, and loading and firing off all the small arms in the armoury,
to the great discomposure of Whitechapel and the Minories. Upon
these, and many other momentous questions which agitate the public mind
in these desperate days, they will discourse with great vehemence and
irritation for a considerable time together, both leaving off precisely
where they began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the
better of the other.
In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political
young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political allusion,
or anything which can be tortured or construed into being one; when,
thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for their favourite
discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth and nail.
They have recently had many favourable opportunities of opening in churches,
but as there the clergyman has it all his own way, and must not be contradicted,
whatever politics he preaches, they are fain to hold their tongues until
they reach the outer door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in
the effort.
As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties concerned,
we hope they will henceforth take the hint and discontinue them, otherwise
we now give them warning, that the ladies have our advice to discountenance
such talkers altogether.
THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN
Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.
We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this place,
he will answer our purpose without another word of comment.
Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his mother,
just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles from St.
Martin-le-Grand. He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the weather
is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly folded up
in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over his mouth when
he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near-sighted, he carries
spectacles for particular occasions, and has a weakish tremulous voice,
of which he makes great use, for he talks as much as any old lady breathing.
The two chief subjects of Felix’s discourse, are himself and
his mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and interesting
persons. As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in body, so
Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit. If
you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply with
a long and minute bulletin of his mother’s state of health; and
the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a circumstantial
and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and coughed once after
being out in the rain the other night, but having his feet promptly
put into hot water, and his head into a flannel-something, which we
will not describe more particularly than by this delicate allusion,
was happily brought round by the next morning, and enabled to go to
business as usual.
Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he
has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify: there is
one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who wanted
to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the play, upon
which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his mother thought
would have crushed him to the earth, but which did not crush him quite,
for he continued to demand another sixpence, notwithstanding that Felix
took out his pocket-book, and, with the aid of a flat candle, pointed
out the fare in print, which the coachman obstinately disregarding,
he shut the street-door with a slam which his mother shudders to think
of; and then, roused to the most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman
knocking a double knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he
broke with uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl,
and running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist
at the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon
says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.
She never will forget his fury that night, Never!
To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally looking
at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has made an end
of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for three weeks
afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel; whereupon Mrs.
Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to know what he would
have done to him if he had seen him, at which Felix smiling darkly
and clenching his right fist, she exclaims, ‘Goodness gracious!’
with a distracted air, and insists upon extorting a promise that he
never will on any account do anything so rash, which her dutiful son—it
being something more than three years since the offence was committed—reluctantly
concedes, and his mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with
a sigh that his spirit will lead him into something violent yet.
The discourse then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which
glows within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes
eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used
to sit up till two o’clock in the morning reading French, and
how his mother used to say, ‘Felix, you will make yourself ill,
I know you will;’ and how he used to say, ‘Mother,
I don’t care—I will do it;’ and how at last his mother
privately procured a doctor to come and see him, who declared, the moment
he felt his pulse, that if he had gone on reading one night more—only
one night more—he must have put a blister on each temple, and
another between his shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon the
instant, and writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it must be
taken immediately, or he wouldn’t answer for the consequences.
The recital of these and many other moving perils of the like nature,
constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon’s friends.
Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance,
being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the unmarried
girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues of her son,
hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins him, but that
they must mind their P’s and Q’s, for he is very particular,
and terribly severe upon young ladies. At this last caution the
young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be spending the
evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before their mouths, and
are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix knocks at the door,
and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the fire, calls out to him
as he takes off his boots in the back parlour that he needn’t
mind coming in in his slippers, for there are only the two Miss Greys
and Miss Thompson, and she is quite sure they will excuse him,
and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she adds, in a whisper, that Julia
Thompson is a great favourite with Felix, at which intelligence the
short cough comes again, and Miss Thompson in particular is greatly
troubled with it, till Felix coming in, very faint for want of his tea,
changes the subject of discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly
and tell Amelia Grey not to be so foolish. Here they all three
laugh, and Mrs. Nixon says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the
proceedings, Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the
grateful herb that ‘cheers but not inebriates,’ removes
his cup from his countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all
girls are; whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells
him not to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young
ladies, and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly
indeed, is perfectly satisfied.
Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix insists
upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it on a card.
This process having been performed to the satisfaction of all parties,
he brings down his flute in compliance with a request from the youngest
Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of a very small music-book till
supper-time, when he is very facetious and talkative indeed. Finally,
after half a tumblerful of warm sherry and water, he gallantly puts
on his goloshes over his slippers, and telling Miss Thompson’s
servant to run on first and get the door open, escorts that young lady
to her house, five doors off: the Miss Greys who live in the next house
but one stopping to peep with merry faces from their own door till he
comes back again, when they call out ‘Very well, Mr. Felix,’
and trip into the passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that
was ever played.
Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little priggish
about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all their peculiar
corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed all his female acquaintance
(and they are good judges) have long ago set him down as a thorough
old bachelor. He is a favourite with them however, in a certain
way, as an honest, inoffensive, kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities
harm nobody, not even himself, we are induced to hope that many who
are not personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his
behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his harmless
existence.
THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN
There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society,
upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning over
of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the above appellation.
Young ladies mildly call him a ‘sarcastic’ young gentleman,
or a ‘severe’ young gentleman. We, who know better,
beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a censorious young
gentleman, and nothing else.
The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his familiars
of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by receiving all intelligence
and expressing all opinions with a dubious sneer, accompanied with a
half smile, expressive of anything you please but good-humour.
This sets people about thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman
means, and they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something
very deep indeed; for they reason in this way—‘This young
gentleman looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as
I am by no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must
have if I can’t find it out!’ It is extraordinary
how soon a censorious young gentleman may make a reputation in his own
small circle if he bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings
accordingly.
As young ladies are generally—not curious, but laudably desirous
to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much talked
about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding him.
‘I wonder,’ exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down
her work to turn up the lamp, ‘I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will
ever be married.’ ‘Bless me, dear,’ cries Miss
Marshall, ‘what ever made you think of him?’ ‘Really
I hardly know,’ replies Miss Greenwood; ‘he is such a very
mysterious person, that I often wonder about him.’ ‘Well,
to tell you the truth,’ replies Miss Marshall, ‘and so do
I.’ Here two other young ladies profess that they are constantly
doing the like, and all present appear in the same condition except
one young lady, who, not scrupling to state that she considers Mr. Fairfax
‘a horror,’ draws down all the opposition of the others,
which having been expressed in a great many ejaculatory passages, such
as ‘Well, did I ever!’—and ‘Lor, Emily, dear!’
ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she must say she does
not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but rather takes him to
be a young man of very great ability; ‘and I am quite sure,’
adds the worthy lady, ‘he always means a great deal more than
he says.’
The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all people
alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has been the
subject of conversation! ‘Well, it really is curious,’
cries ma, ‘we were at that very moment talking about you.’
‘You did me great honour,’ replies Mr. Fairfax; ‘may
I venture to ask what you were saying?’ ‘Why, if you
must know,’ returns the eldest girl, ‘we were remarking
what a very mysterious man you are.’ ‘Ay, ay!’
observes Mr. Fairfax, ‘Indeed!’ Now Mr. Fairfax says
this ay, ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves,
with so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very
equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever convinced
that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very dangerous man,
and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody, which is precisely
the sort of character the censorious young gentleman is most desirous
to establish; wherefore he says, ‘Oh, dear, no,’ in a tone,
obviously intended to mean, ‘You have me there,’ and which
gives them to understand that they have hit the right nail on the very
centre of its head.
When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the censorious
young gentleman’s behaviour, to the general topics of the day,
he sustains his character to admiration. He considers the new
tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us—well,
no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he would rather
not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he knows he would be.
‘But is not Mr. So-and-so’s performance truly charming?’
inquires a young lady. ‘Charming!’ replies the censorious
young gentleman. ‘Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very charming—oh,
very charming indeed.’ After this, he stirs the fire, smiling
contemptuously all the while: and a modest young gentleman, who has
been a silent listener, thinks what a great thing it must be, to have
such a critical judgment. Of music, pictures, books, and poetry,
the censorious young gentleman has an equally fine conception.
As to men and women, he can tell all about them at a glance. ‘Now
let us hear your opinion of young Mrs. Barker,’ says some great
believer in the powers of Mr. Fairfax, ‘but don’t be too
severe.’ ‘I never am severe,’ replies the censorious
young gentleman. ‘Well, never mind that now. She is
very lady-like, is she not?’ ‘Lady-like!’ repeats
the censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at
a loss for anything to say). ‘Did you observe her manner?
Bless my heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner?—that’s
all I ask.’ ‘I thought I had done so,’ rejoins
the poor lady, much perplexed; ‘I did not observe it very closely
perhaps.’ ‘Oh, not very closely,’ rejoins the
censorious young gentleman, triumphantly. ‘Very good; then
I did. Let us talk no more about her.’ The
censorious young gentleman purses up his lips, and nods his head sagely,
as he says this; and it is forthwith whispered about, that Mr. Fairfax
(who, though he is a little prejudiced, must be admitted to be a very
excellent judge) has observed something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker’s
manner.
THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN
As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny
young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and behaviour
of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened to meet at
an annual family Christmas party in the course of this very last Christmas
that ever came.
We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly
as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily—for,
being an old-fashioned party, there was an urn, and a teapot
besides—when there came a postman’s knock at the door, so
violent and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually
caused two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies
to scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and
distress, until they had been several times assured by their respective
adorers, that they were in no danger. We were about to remark
that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a runaway knock,
when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with wonder, sank into
a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and offered to lay twenty
pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins. He had no sooner said
this, than the majority of the company and all the children of the house
burst into a roar of laughter too, as if some inimitable joke flashed
upon them simultaneously, and gave vent to various exclamations of—To
be sure it must be Griggins, and How like him that was, and What spirits
he was always in! with many other commendatory remarks of the like nature.
Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely desirous
to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a stout gentleman
with a powdered head, who was sitting with his breeches buckles almost
touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit of the first water, when
the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being announced, presented himself,
amidst another shout of laughter and a loud clapping of hands from the
younger branches. This welcome he acknowledged by sundry contortions
of countenance, imitative of the clown in one of the new pantomimes,
which were so extremely successful, that one stout gentleman rolled
upon an ottoman in a paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps,
that if somebody didn’t make that fellow Griggins leave off, he
would be the death of him, he knew. At this the company only laughed
more boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate
our tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which
we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, ‘Oh!
capital, capital!’ as loud as any of them.
When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received
the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through the
needful introductions with much ease and many puns. This ceremony
over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody’s lap unless
the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being done, after
a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed himself among
them, and likened his condition to that of love among the roses.
At this novel jest we all roared once more. ‘You should
consider yourself highly honoured, sir,’ said we. ‘Sir,’
replied Mr. Griggins, ‘you do me proud.’ Here everybody
laughed again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our
ear that Griggins was making a dead set at us.
The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round game,
and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy, abstracting
other people’s fish, and looking over their hands in the most
comical manner. He made one most excellent joke in snuffing a
candle, which was neither more nor less than setting fire to the hair
of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and afterwards begging his
pardon with considerable humour. As the young gentleman could
not see the joke however, possibly in consequence of its being on the
top of his own head, it did not go off quite as well as it might have
done; indeed, the young gentleman was heard to murmur some general references
to ‘impertinence,’ and a ‘rascal,’ and to state
the number of his lodgings in an angry tone—a turn of the conversation
which might have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a
young lady, betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate
influence to bring about a reconciliation: emphatically declaring in
an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but audible
to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she never would
think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that she must always
regard him. At this terrible threat the young gentleman became
calm, and the young lady, overcome by the revulsion of feeling, instantaneously
fainted.
Mr. Griggins’s spirits were slightly depressed for a short
period by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but
being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several glasses
of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious than before,
insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred to, assured us
that although he had known him since he was that high (something
smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld him in such excellent
cue.
When the round game and several games at blind man’s buff which
followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the inexhaustible
Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from his waistcoat
pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the assembled females, which
occasioned great commotion and much excitement. We observed that
several young gentlemen—including the young gentleman with the
pale countenance—were greatly scandalised at this indecorous proceeding,
and talked very big among themselves in corners; and we observed too,
that several young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young
gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and
protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were surprised
at Mrs. Brown’s allowing it, and that they couldn’t bear
it, and had no patience with such impertinence. But such is the
gentle and forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very narrowly
for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the subsequent
treatment of Mr. Griggins. Indeed, upon the whole, it struck us
that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than before!
To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill
such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside cover.
How he drank out of other people’s glasses, and ate of other people’s
bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions a little boy who
was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by sinking below the table
and suddenly reappearing with a mask on; how the hostess was really
surprised that anybody could find a pleasure in tormenting children,
and how the host frowned at the hostess, and felt convinced that Mr.
Griggins had done it with the very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins
explained, and how everybody’s good-humour was restored but the
child’s;—to tell these and a hundred other things ever so
briefly, would occupy more of our room and our readers’ patience,
than either they or we can conveniently spare. Therefore we change
the subject, merely observing that we have offered no description of
the funny young gentleman’s personal appearance, believing that
almost every society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers
to supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances
of their particular case.
THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
All gentlemen who love the drama—and there are few gentlemen
who are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our
amusements—do not come within this definition. As we have
no mean relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are disinterestedly
anxious that this should be perfectly understood.
The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information
on all theatrical topics. ‘Well,’ says he, abruptly,
when you meet him in the street, ‘here’s a pretty to-do.
Flimkins has thrown up his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.’—‘And
what’s to be done?’ you inquire with as much gravity as
you can counterfeit. ‘Ah, that’s the point,’
replies the theatrical young gentleman, looking very serious; ‘Boozle
declines it; positively declines it. From all I am told, I should
say it was decidedly in Boozle’s line, and that he would be very
likely to make a great hit in it; but he objects on the ground of Flimkins
having been put up in the part first, and says no earthly power shall
induce him to take the character. It’s a fine part, too—excellent
business, I’m told. He has to kill six people in the course
of the piece, and to fight over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe
a card, you know, as can be. Don’t mention it; but I hear
that the last scene, when he is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by
Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora, will be the greatest thing that has been
done these many years.’ With this piece of news, and laying
his finger on his lips as a caution for you not to excite the town with
it, the theatrical young gentleman hurries away.
The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the different
theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for them all.
Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane, the Victoria
the vic, and the Olympic the pic. Actresses, too, are always designated
by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett, Faucit, Honey; that talented
and lady-like girl Sheriff, that clever little creature Horton, and
so on. In the same manner he prefixes Christian names when he
mentions actors, as Charley Young, Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul
Bedford. When he is at a loss for a Christian name, the word ‘old’
applied indiscriminately answers quite as well: as old Charley Matthews
at Vestris’s, old Harley, and old Braham. He has a great
knowledge of the private proceedings of actresses, especially of their
getting married, and can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have
changed their names without avowing it. Whenever an alteration
of this kind is made in the playbills, he will remind you that he let
you into the secret six months ago.
The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that
is connected with the stage department of the different theatres.
He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way,
to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks with
a curious and searching eye. If he can only identify a popular
actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of delight; and no
sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a few paces in front
of him, so that he can turn round from time to time, and have a good
stare at his features. He looks upon a theatrical-fund dinner
as one of the most enchanting festivities ever known; and thinks that
to be a member of the Garrick Club, and see so many actors in their
plain clothes, must be one of the highest gratifications the world can
bestow.
The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at
one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all pieces
which display the fullest resources of the establishment. He likes
to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he goes to see a
show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of enthusiasm, as not
only to believe (if the bills say so) that there are three hundred and
seventy-five people on the stage at one time in the last scene, but
is highly indignant with you, unless you believe it also. He considers
that if the stage be opened from the foot-lights to the back wall, in
any new play, the piece is a triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds
accordingly. He has a great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks
any character going down or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be
an angel or a demon—they both do it occasionally) one of the most
interesting feats in the whole range of scenic illusion.
Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to
his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table. Thus
he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous livery
waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler, to administer
half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came off, without which
assistance he must infallibly have fainted. He knows for a fact,
that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett is put between two feather
beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is credibly informed, that Mr.
Baker has, for many years, submitted to a course of lukewarm toast-and-water,
to qualify him to sustain his favourite characters. He looks upon
Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal dramatic genius and poet of the day;
but holds that there are great writers extant besides him,—in
proof whereof he refers you to various dramas and melodramas recently
produced, of which he takes in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions
as fast as they appear.
The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
emotion and redundancy of action. If a father has to curse a child
upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going style,
with no mistake about it: to which end it is essential that the child
should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked violently over
on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a small cottage, and
shuts the door behind him. He likes to see a blessing invoked
upon the young lady, when the old gentleman repents, with equal earnestness,
and accompanied by the usual conventional forms, which consist of the
old gentleman looking anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether
it rains, and then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over
the young lady’s head—soft music playing all the while.
Upon these, and other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young
gentleman is a great critic indeed. He is likewise very acute
in judging of natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely
the frown, wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or
the means by which it may be converted into any other: as jealousy,
with a good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with
the hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is
passionate love. If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy
of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman assures
you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in that way,
and he supposes they are not going to change it at this time of day
to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply that you suppose
not.
There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies whom
he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we have no
space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest content with
calling the attention of the young ladies in general to the theatrical
young gentlemen of their own acquaintance.
THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN
Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic
raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the influence
of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down their shirt
collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets with bare throats
and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an astonished public.
These were poetical young gentlemen. The custom was gradually
found to be inconvenient, as involving the necessity of too much clean
linen and too large washing bills, and these outward symptoms have consequently
passed away; but we are disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the
number of poetical young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.
We know a poetical young gentleman—a very poetical young gentleman.
We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift of poesy in
any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a plaintive and melancholy
cast, his manner is abstracted and bespeaks affliction of soul: he seldom
has his hair cut, and often talks about being an outcast and wanting
a kindred spirit; from which, as well as from many general observations
in which he is wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and
yearnings of the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly
things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all
his friends that he has been stricken poetical.
The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging
on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt upright
in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the opposite
wall. When he is in one of these positions, his mother, who is
a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to bespeak your
attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and whisper with a
shake of the head, that John’s imagination is at some extraordinary
work or other, you may take her word for it. Hereupon John looks
more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before, and suddenly snatching
a pencil from his pocket, puts down three words, and a cross on the
back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once or twice across the room, inflicts
a most unmerciful slap upon his head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.
The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of
things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical obliquity
of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted. For instance,
when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched woman was affording
delicious food wherewithal to gorge the insatiable curiosity of the
public, our friend the poetical young gentleman was in ecstasies—not
of disgust, but admiration. ‘Heavens!’ cried the poetical
young gentleman, ‘how grand; how great!’ We ventured
deferentially to inquire upon whom these epithets were bestowed: our
humble thoughts oscillating between the police officer who found the
criminal, and the lock-keeper who found the head. ‘Upon
whom!’ exclaimed the poetical young gentleman in a frenzy of poetry,
‘Upon whom should they be bestowed but upon the murderer!’—and
thereupon it came out, in a fine torrent of eloquence, that the murderer
was a great spirit, a bold creature full of daring and nerve, a man
of dauntless heart and determined courage, and withal a great casuist
and able reasoner, as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies
with the great and noble of the land. We held our peace, and meekly
signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions—firstly,
because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young gentleman;
and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use our entering
into any disputation, if we were: being perfectly convinced that the
respectable and immoral hero in question is not the first and will not
be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false sympathy or diseased curiosity
will be plentifully expended.
This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.
In his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his neckcloth,
and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a Lady’s
Magazine, or the ‘Poets’ Corner’ of some country newspaper;
or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the rainbow
leaves of a lady’s album. These are generally written upon
some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by midnight,
or beholding Saint Paul’s in a snow-storm; and when these gloomy
objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his soul in a
touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that he is no longer
a child, but has gradually grown up.
The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.
He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given to
opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink, that there
is nothing in it worth living for. He gives you to understand,
however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear his part in
the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification of his own strong
desire to make a premature exit; and consoles himself with the reflection,
that immortality has some chosen nook for himself and the other great
spirits whom earth has chafed and wearied.
When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are
all superlatives. Everything is of the grandest, greatest, noblest,
mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest, vilest, and
most pitiful. He knows no medium: for enthusiasm is the soul of
poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young gentleman?
‘Mr. Milkwash,’ says a young lady as she unlocks her album
to receive the young gentleman’s original impromptu contribution,
‘how very silent you are! I think you must be in love.’
‘Love!’ cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from
his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at full
speed, ‘Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of
the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart. Love! The withering,
blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.
Love did you say! Ha! ha! ha!’
With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging
only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits down,
pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the biting, semi-atheistical
demoniac style, which, like the poetical young gentleman himself, is
full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
THE ‘THROWING-OFF’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
There is a certain kind of impostor—a bragging, vaunting, puffing
young gentleman—against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer
part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our labours.
And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress upon this division
of our subject, by a little dialogue we held some short time ago, with
an esteemed young lady of our acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen
of this class of men. We had been urging all the absurdities of
his conduct and conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities
he constantly recounted—to which indeed we had not scrupled to
prefix a certain hard little word of one syllable and three letters—when
our fair friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly
cried, ‘Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then—’
What then? Throw him off yourself, said we. And so she did,
but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might have
been better if she had done so at first.
The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed
of vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with
some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this description
of themselves. The deceased grandfather of the throwing-off young
gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and untold wealth; the throwing-off
young gentleman remembers, as well as if it were only yesterday, the
deceased baronet’s library, with its long rows of scarce and valuable
books in superbly embossed bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from
the lofty ceiling to the oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and
tables, and the noble old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid
prospect of hill and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the
fine hunting stables and the spacious court-yards, ‘and—and—everything
upon the same magnificent scale,’ says the throwing-off young
gentleman, ‘princely; quite princely. Ah!’ And
he sighs as if mourning over the fallen fortunes of his noble house.
The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all games
of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding, driving,
or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him—that is could
not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there should
be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite out of practice
just now, and has been for some years. If you mention any beautiful
girl of your common acquaintance in his hearing, the throwing-off young
gentleman starts, smiles, and begs you not to mind him, for it was quite
involuntary: people do say indeed that they were once engaged, but no—although
she is a very fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn’t
possibly encourage the—‘but it’s of no use talking
about it!’ he adds, interrupting himself. ‘She has
got over it now, and I firmly hope and trust is happy.’
With this benevolent aspiration he nods his head in a mysterious manner,
and whistling the first part of some popular air, thinks perhaps it
will be better to change the subject.
There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young gentleman,
which is, that he ‘happens to be acquainted’ with a most
extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world. Thus
in all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has
no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be acquainted
with some distant person, intimately connected with the subject, whose
testimony decides the point against you, to the great—may we say
it—to the great admiration of three young ladies out of every
four, who consider the throwing-off young gentleman a very highly-connected
young man, and a most charming person.
Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon
a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the
evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and summit
of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means shines to
equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society of over-credulous
young ladies, which is his proper element. It is delightful to
hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off young gentleman gives
utterance to, during tea, and still more so to observe the ease with
which, from long practice and study, he delicately blends one compliment
to a lady with two for himself. ‘Did you ever see a more
lovely blue than this flower, Mr. Caveton?’ asks a young lady
who, truth to tell, is rather smitten with the throwing-off young gentleman.
‘Never,’ he replies, bending over the object of admiration,
‘never but in your eyes.’ ‘Oh, Mr. Caveton,’
cries the young lady, blushing of course. ‘Indeed I speak
the truth,’ replies the throwing-off young gentleman, ‘I
never saw any approach to them. I used to think my cousin’s
blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside yours.’
‘Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!’ replies the young
lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing characteristic
of all young ladies; ‘an affair, of course.’ ‘No;
indeed, indeed you wrong me,’ rejoins the throwing-off young gentleman
with great energy. ‘I fervently hope that her attachment
towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close intimacy
in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new faces she may
soon overcome it. I love her! Think not so meanly
of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands, riches,
and beauty, can influence my choice. The heart, the heart,
Miss Lowfield.’ Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks
his voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims
to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their bonnets
on, that Mr. Caveton’s relations are all immensely rich, and that
he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and beauty.
We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain knowledge,
was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to recognise a tune
by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar when he had previously
satisfied himself that there was not such an instrument within a mile
of the house.
We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking
a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by dint
of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of wondering
listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly unable to sing
out of tune, let him try as he would. We have lived to witness
the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman, who went out
a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and tassel, and who, after
passing successfully for a captain and being lauded to the skies for
his red whiskers, his bravery, his soldierly bearing and his pride,
turned out to be the dishonest son of an honest linen-draper in a small
country town, and whom, if it were not for this fortunate exposure,
we should not yet despair of encountering as the fortunate husband of
some rich heiress. Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen
are often swindlers, and always fools. So pray you avoid them.
THE YOUNG LADIES’ YOUNG GENTLEMAN
This young gentleman has several titles. Some young ladies
consider him ‘a nice young man,’ others ‘a fine young
man,’ others ‘quite a lady’s man,’ others ‘a
handsome man,’ others ‘a remarkably good-looking young man.’
With some young ladies he is ‘a perfect angel,’ and with
others ‘quite a love.’ He is likewise a charming creature,
a duck, and a dear.
The young ladies’ young gentleman has usually a fresh colour
and very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays
on every possible opportunity. He has brown or black hair, and
whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or the
hue which is vulgarly known as sandy, is not considered an objection.
If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and his figure square,
he is an uncommonly fine young man, and worshipped accordingly.
Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin, so much the better, though
this is not absolutely insisted on; but he must wear an under-waistcoat,
and smile constantly.
There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours
last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest. As we hold that
such wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of
the smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably
have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that
the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such occasions
by a choice sample of the young ladies’ young gentleman, whom
we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting. This determined
us, and we went.
We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a trifling
company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging to the projectors
on the box—and to start from the residence of the projectors,
Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten precisely. We arrived
at the place of rendezvous at the appointed time, and found the glass
coaches and the little boys quite ready, and divers young ladies and
young gentlemen looking anxiously over the breakfast-parlour blinds,
who appeared by no means so much gratified by our approach as we might
have expected, but evidently wished we had been somebody else.
Observing that our arrival in lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment,
we ventured to inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty
reply of a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies’
young gentleman.
‘I cannot imagine,’ said the mamma, ‘what has become
of Mr. Balim—always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.
I am sure I can-not think.’ As these last words were
uttered in that measured, emphatic manner which painfully announces
that the speaker has not quite made up his or her mind what to say,
but is determined to talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took
up the subject, and hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon
which there was a general chorus of ‘Dear Mr. Balim!’ and
one young lady, more adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express
should be straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim’s lodgings.
This, however, the papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short
young lady behind us termed ‘quite a bearish way,’ that
if Mr. Balim didn’t choose to come, he might stop at home.
At this all the daughters raised a murmur of ‘Oh pa!’ except
one sprightly little girl of eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage
of a pause in the discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might
have been married that morning—for which impertinent suggestion
she was summarily ejected from the room by her eldest sister.
We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when
one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little boys
usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in the holidays,
and keep their hands constantly forced down to the bottoms of very deep
trouser-pockets when they take exercise, joyfully announced that Mr.
Balim was at that moment coming up the street in a hackney-cab; and
the intelligence was confirmed beyond all doubt a minute afterwards
by the entry of Mr. Balim himself, who was received with repeated cries
of ‘Where have you been, you naughty creature?’ whereunto
the naughty creature replied, that he had been in bed, in consequence
of a late party the night before, and had only just risen. The
acknowledgment awakened a variety of agonizing fears that he had taken
no breakfast; which appearing after a slight cross-examination to be
the real state of the case, breakfast for one was immediately ordered,
notwithstanding Mr. Balim’s repeated protestations that he couldn’t
think of it. He did think of it though, and thought better of
it too, for he made a remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously
served by a select knot of young ladies. It was quite delightful
to see how he ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out
his coffee, and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the
rest of the company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches,
and the glass coaches,—and the little boys looking on in an agony
of apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it might
have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back again,
and welcome, for aught they cared.
However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being accommodated
with a hamper between his legs something larger than a wheelbarrow;
and the company being packed as closely as they possibly could in the
carriages, ‘according,’ as one married lady observed, ‘to
the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion of gipsy parties.’
Thinking it very likely it might be (we have never been able to discover
the other half), we submitted to be stowed away with a cheerful aspect,
and were fortunate enough to occupy one corner of a coach in which were
one old lady, four young ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young
ladies’ young gentleman.
We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies’ young
gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady to
inquire whether he had danced to that the night before. ‘By
Heaven, then, I did,’ replied the young gentleman, ‘and
with a lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.’
‘You seem rather struck,’ observed another young lady.
‘’Gad she was a sweet creature,’ returned the young
gentleman, arranging his hair. ‘Of course she was
struck too?’ inquired the first young lady. ‘How can
you ask, love?’ interposed the second; ‘could she fail to
be?’ ‘Well, honestly I think she was,’ observed
the young gentleman. At this point of the dialogue, the young
lady who had spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman’s
right, struck him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said
he was a vain man—whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having
the rosebud, and the young lady appealing for help to the other young
ladies, a charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the
young gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud. This little skirmish
over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled sweetly
upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt; the young
gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting discussion took place
upon the important point whether the young gentleman was a flirt or
not, which being an agreeable conversation of a light kind, lasted a
considerable time. At length, a short silence occurring, the young
ladies on either side of the young gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep;
and the young gentleman, winking upon us to preserve silence, won a
pair of gloves from each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness
and to scream very loud. The lively conversation to which this
pleasantry gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would
have eked out a much longer one.
We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw and
the bread. The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which
they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to inconvenience;
mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very fascinating; and the
attendants being well-behaved men, got exceedingly drunk at a respectful
distance.
We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of
young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from their
plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly captivating from
its excessive playfulness. His conversation, too, was exceedingly
brilliant. In fact, one elderly lady assured us, that in the course
of a little lively badinage on the subject of ladies’ dresses,
he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been born and bred a milliner.
As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after
dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away alone
into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr. Balim, the
greater part of the young people having dropped off in twos and threes
and the young ladies’ young gentleman among them. Nor were
we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping through the
trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a pleasant thing
to contemplate his greatness.
The young ladies’ young gentleman was seated upon the ground,
at the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was
so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty
spoils, that he looked like a lamb—or perhaps a calf would be
a better simile—adorned for the sacrifice. One young lady
supported a parasol over his interesting head, another held his hat,
and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had thrown
off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his breast, and
his face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed sweetness, was
warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music in praise of female
loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect, that we burst into an
involuntary shout of laughter, and made a hasty retreat.
What charming fellows these young ladies’ young gentlemen are!
Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express their
merit. They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully, nice
men.
CONCLUSION
As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of young
gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume given them
to understand how much we reverence and admire their numerous virtues
and perfections; as we have given them such strong reasons to treat
us with confidence, and to banish, in our case, all that reserve and
distrust of the male sex which, as a point of general behaviour, they
cannot do better than preserve and maintain—we say, as we have
done all this, we feel that now, when we have arrived at the close of
our task, they may naturally press upon us the inquiry, what particular
description of young gentlemen we can conscientiously recommend.
Here we are at a loss. We look over our list, and can neither
recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young gentleman,
nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military young gentleman,
nor the political young gentleman, nor the domestic young gentleman,
nor the censorious young gentleman, nor the funny young gentleman, nor
the theatrical young gentleman, nor the poetical young gentleman, nor
the throwing-off young gentleman, nor the young ladies’ young
gentleman.
As there are some good points about many of them, which still are
not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as
a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for a
young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all, and
the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the hymeneal
altar, whether he will or no. And to the young lady who secures
him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial advice, selected
from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to be found in a letter
written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her marriage.
‘The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve
the esteem of your husband. Neither good-nature nor virtue will
suffer him to esteem you against his judgment; and although he
is not capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing indifferent
and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the loss of youth and
beauty with more durable qualities. You have but a very few years
to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world; and as few months
to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a fool; for I hope you
do not still dream of charms and raptures, which marriage ever did,
and ever will, put a sudden end to.’
From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the fortunate
lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the young gentleman
to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other than ourself.
Without in any way committing ourself upon this point, we have merely
to observe, that we are ready to receive sealed offers containing a
full specification of age, temper, appearance, and condition; but we
beg it to be distinctly understood that we do not pledge ourself to
accept the highest bidder.
These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman
and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other testimonials
of approbation from the young ladies generally, are respectfully requested
to be addressed. |