Black Jack by Rudyard Kipling
To the wake av Tim O'Hara
All St. Patrick's Alley
Was there to see.
As the Three Musketeers share their silver, tobacco, and liquor
together, as they protect each other in barracks or camp, and as they
rejoice together over the joy of one, so do they divide their sorrows.
When Ortheris's irrepressible tongue has brought him into cells for a
season, or Learoyd has run amok through his kit and accoutrements, or
Mulvaney has indulged in strong waters, and under their influence reproved
his Commanding Officer, you can see the trouble in the faces of the
untouched two. And the rest of the regiment know that comment or jest is
unsafe. Generally the three avoid Orderly Room and the Corner Shop that
follows, leaving both to the young bloods who have not sown their wild
oats; but there are occasions—
For instance, Ortheris was sitting on the drawbridge of the main gate
of Fort Amara, with his hands in his pockets and his pipe, bowl down, in
his mouth. Learoyd was lying at full length on the turf of the glacis,
kicking his heels in the air, and I came round the corner and asked for
Ortheris spat into the ditch and shook his head. "No good seein' 'im
now," said Ortheris; "'e's a bloomin' camel. Listen."
I heard on the flags of the veranda opposite to the cells, which are
close to the Guard-Room, a measured step that I could have identified in
the tramp of an army. There were twenty paces crescendo, a pause,
and then twenty diminuendo.
"That's 'im," said Ortheris; "my Gawd, that's 'im! All for a bloomin'
button you could see your face in an' a bit o' lip that a bloomin'
Hark-angel would 'a' guv back."
Mulvaney was doing pack-drill—was compelled, that is to say, to
walk up and down for certain hours in full marching order, with rifle,
bayonet, ammunition, knapsack, and overcoat. And his offence was being
dirty on parade! I nearly fell into the Fort Ditch with astonishment and
wrath, for Mulvaney is the smartest man that ever mounted guard, and would
as soon think of turning out uncleanly as of dispensing with his
"Who was the Sergeant that checked him?" I asked.
"Mullins, o' course," said Ortheris. "There ain't no other man would
whip 'im on the peg so. But Mullins ain't a man. 'E's a dirty little
pigscraper, that's wot 'e is."
"What did Mulvaney say? He's not the make of man to take that
"Said! Bin better for 'im if 'e'd shut 'is mouth. Lord, 'ow we laughed!
'Sargint,' 'e sez, 'ye say I'm dirty. Well,' sez 'e, 'when your wife lets
you blow your own nose for yourself, perhaps you'll know wot dirt is.
You're himperfectly eddicated, Sargint,' sez 'e, an' then we fell in. But
after p'rade, 'e was up an' Mullins was swearin' 'imself black in the face
at Ord'ly Room that Mulvaney 'ad called 'im a swine an' Lord knows wot
all. You know Mullins. 'E'll 'ave 'is 'ead broke in one o' these days.
'E's too big a bloomin' liar for ord'nary consumption. 'Three hours' can
an' kit,' sez the Colonel; 'not for bein' dirty on p'rade, but for 'avin'
said somthin' to Mullins, tho' I do not believe,' sez 'e, 'you said wot 'e
said you said.' An' Mulvaney fell away sayin' nothin'. You know 'e never
speaks to the Colonel for fear o' gettin' 'imself fresh copped."
Mullins, a very young and very much married Sergeant, whose manners
were partly the result of innate depravity and partly of imperfectly
digested Board School, came over the bridge, and most rudely asked
Ortheris what he was doing.
"Me?" said Ortheris, "Ow! I'm waiting for my C'mission. 'Seed it comin'
Mullins turned purple and passed on. There was the sound of a gentle
chuckle from the glacis where Learoyd lay.
"'E expects to get 'is C'mission some day," explained Orth'ris; "Gawd
'elp the Mess that 'ave to put their 'ands into the same kiddy as 'im! Wot
time d'you make it, sir? Fower! Mulvaney 'll be out in 'arf an hour. You
don't want to buy a dorg, sir, do you? A pup you can trust—'arf
Rampore by the Colonel's grey'ound."
"Ortheris," I answered, sternly, for I knew what was in his mind, "do
you mean to say that"—
"I didn't mean to arx money o' you, any'ow," said Ortheris; "I'd 'a'
sold you the dorg good an' cheap, but—but—I know Mulvaney 'll
want somethin' after we've walked 'im orf, an' I ain't got nothin', nor 'e
'asn't neither, I'd sooner sell you the dorg, sir. 'S'trewth! I
A shadow fell on the drawbridge, and Ortheris began to rise into the
air, lifted by a huge hand upon his collar.
"Onything but t' braass," said Learoyd, quietly, as he held the
Londoner over the ditch. "Onything but t' braass, Orth'ris, ma son! Ah've
got one rupee eight annas of ma own." He showed two coins, and replaced
Ortheris on the drawbridge rail.
"Very good," I said; "where are you going to?"
"Goin' to walk 'im orf wen 'e comes out—two miles or three or
fower," said Ortheris.
The footsteps within ceased. I heard the dull thud of a knapsack
falling on a bedstead, followed by the rattle of arms. Ten minutes later,
Mulvaney, faultlessly dressed, his lips tight and his face as black as a
thunderstorm, stalked into the sunshine on the drawbridge. Learoyd and
Ortheris sprang from my side and closed in upon him, both leaning toward
as horses lean upon the pole. In an instant they had disappeared down the
sunken road to the cantonments, and I was left alone. Mulvaney had not
seen fit to recognize me; so I knew that his trouble must be heavy upon
I climbed one of the bastions and watched the figures of the Three
Musketeers grow smaller and smaller across the plain. They were walking as
fast as they could put foot to the ground, and their heads were bowed.
They fetched a great compass round the parade-ground, skirted the Cavalry
lines, and vanished in the belt of trees that fringes the low land by the
I followed slowly, and sighted them—dusty, sweating, but still
keeping up their long, swinging tramp—on the river bank. They
crashed through the Forest Reserve, headed toward the Bridge of Boats, and
presently established themselves on the bow of one of the pontoons. I rode
cautiously till I saw three puffs of white smoke rise and die out in the
clear evening air, and knew that peace had come again. At the bridge-head
they waved me forward with gestures of welcome.
"Tie up your 'orse," shouted Ortheris, "an' come on, sir. We're all
goin' 'ome in this 'ere bloomin' boat."
From the bridge-head to the Forest Officer's bungalow is but a step.
The mess-man was there, and would see that a man held my horse. Did the
Sahib require aught else—a peg, or beer? Ritchie Sahib had left half
a dozen bottles of the latter, but since the Sahib was a friend of Ritchie
Sahib, and he, the mess-man, was a poor man—
I gave my order quietly, and returned to the bridge. Mulvaney had taken
off his boots, and was dabbling his toes in the water; Learoyd was lying
on his back on the pontoon; and Ortheris was pretending to row with a big
"I'm an ould fool," said Mulvaney, reflectively, "dhraggin' you two out
here bekaze I was undher the Black Dog—sulkin' like a child. Me that
was soldierin' when Mullins, an' be damned to him, was shquealin' on a
counterpin for five shillin' a week—an' that not paid! Bhoys, I've
took you five miles out av natural pervarsity. Phew!"
"Wot's the odds so long as you're 'appy?" said Ortheris, applying
himself afresh to the bamboo. "As well 'ere as anywhere else."
Learoyd held up a rupee and an eight-anna bit, and shook his head
sorrowfully. "Five mile from t'Canteen, all along o' Mulvaney's blasted
"I know ut," said Mulvaney, penitently. "Why will ye come wid me? An'
yet I wud be mortial sorry if ye did not—any time—though I am
ould enough to know betther. But I will do penance. I will take a dhrink
Ortheris squeaked shrilly. The butler of the Forest bungalow was
standing near the railings with a basket, uncertain how to clamber down to
the pontoon. "Might 'a' know'd you'd 'a' got liquor out o' bloomin'
desert, sir," said Ortheris, gracefully, to me. Then to the mess-man:
"Easy with them there bottles. They're worth their weight in gold. Jock,
ye long-armed beggar, get out o' that an' hike 'em down."
Learoyd had the basket on the pontoon in an instant, and the Three
Musketeers gathered round it with dry lips. They drank my health in due
and ancient form, and thereafter tobacco tasted sweeter than ever. They
absorbed all the beer, and disposed themselves in picturesque attitudes to
admire the setting sun—no man speaking for a while.
Mulvaney's head dropped upon his chest, and we thought that he was
"What on earth did you come so far for?" I whispered to Ortheris.
"To walk 'im orf, o' course. When 'e's been checked we allus walks 'im
orf, 'E ain't fit to be spoke to those times—nor 'e ain't fit to
leave alone neither. So we takes 'im till 'e is."
Mulvaney raised his head, and stared straight into the sunset. "I had
my rifle," said he, dreamily, "an' I had my bay'nit, an' Mullins came
round the corner, an' he looked in my face an' grinned dishpiteful.
'You can't blow your own nose,' sez he. Now, I cannot tell fwhat
Mullins's expayrience may ha' been, but, Mother av God, he was nearer to
his death that minut' than I have iver been to mine—and that's less
than the thicknuss av a hair!"
"Yes," said Ortheris, calmly, "you'd look fine with all your buttons
took orf, an' the Band in front o' you, walkin' roun' slow time. We're
both front-rank men, me an' Jock, when the rig'ment's in 'ollow square,
Bloomin' fine you'd look. 'The Lord giveth an' the Lord taketh
awai,—Heasy with that there drop!—Blessed be the naime o' the
Lord,'" he gulped in a quaint and suggestive fashion.
"Mullins! Wot's Mullins?" said Learoyd, slowly. "Ah'd take a coomp'ny
o' Mullinses—ma hand behind me. Sitha, Mulvaney, don't be a
"You were not checked for fwhat you did not do, an' made a mock
av afther. 'Twas for less than that the Tyrone wud ha' sent O'Hara to
hell, instid av lettin' him go by his own choosin', whin Rafferty shot
him," retorted Mulvaney.
"And who stopped the Tyrone from doing it?" I asked.
"That ould fool who's sorry he didn't stick the pig Mullins." His head
dropped again. When he raised it he shivered and put his hands on the
shoulders of his two companions.
"Ye've walked the Divil out av me, bhoys," said he.
Ortheris shot out the red-hot dottel of his pipe on the back of the
hairy fist. "They say 'Ell's 'otter than that," said he, as Mulvaney swore
aloud. "You be warned so. Look yonder!"—he pointed across the river
to a ruined temple—"Me an' you an' 'im"-he indicated me by a
jerk of his head—"was there one day when Hi made a bloomin' show o'
myself. You an' 'im stopped me doin' such—an' Hi was on'y wishful
for to desert. You are makin' a bigger bloomin' show o' yourself now."
"Don't mind him, Mulvaney," I said; "Dinah Shadd won't let you hang
yourself yet awhile, and you don't intend to try it either. Let's hear
about the Tyrone and O'Hara. Rafferty shot him for fooling with his wife.
What happened before that?"
"There's no fool like an ould fool. You know you can do anythin' wid me
whin I'm talkin'. Did I say I wud like to cut Mullins's liver out? I deny
the imputashin, for fear that Orth'ris here wud report me—Ah! You
wud tip me into the river, wud you? Sit quiet, little man. Anyways,
Mullins is not worth the trouble av an extry p'rade, an' I will trate him
wid outrajis contimpt. The Tyrone an' O'Hara! O'Hara an' the Tyrone,
begad! Ould days are hard to bring back into the mouth, but they're always
inside the head."
Followed a long pause.
"O'Hara was a Divil. Though I saved him, for the honor av the rig'mint,
from his death that time, I say it now. He was a Divil—a long,
bould, black-haired Divil."
"Which way?" asked Ortheris,
"Then I know another."
"Not more than in reason, if you mane me, ye warped walkin'-shtick. I
have been young, an' for why should I not have tuk what I cud? Did I iver,
whin I was Corp'ril, use the rise av my rank—wan step an' that taken
away, more's the sorrow an' the fault av me!—to prosecute a
nefarious inthrigue, as O'Hara did? Did I, whin I was Corp'ril, lay my
spite upon a man an' make his life a dog's life from day to day? Did I
lie, as O'Hara lied, till the young wans in the Tyrone turned white wid
the fear av the Judgment av God killin' thim all in a lump, as ut killed
the woman at Devizes? I did not! I have sinned my sins an' I have made my
confesshin, an' Father Victor knows the worst av me. O'Hara was tuk,
before he cud spake, on Rafferty's doorstep, an' no man knows the worst av
him. But this much I know!
"The Tyrone was recruited any fashion in the ould days. A draf from
Connemara—a draf from Portsmouth—a draf from Kerry, an' that
was a blazin' bad draf—here, there and iverywhere—but the
large av thim was Oirish—Black Oirish. Now there are Oirish an'
Oirish. The good are good as the best, but the bad are wurrst than the
wurrst. 'Tis this way. They clog together in pieces as fast as thieves,
an' no wan knows fwhat they will do till wan turns informer an' the gang
is bruk. But ut begins again, a day later, meetin' in holes an' corners
an' swearin' bloody oaths an' shtickin' a man in the back an' runnin'
away, an' thin waitin' for the blood-money on the reward papers—to
see if ut's worth enough. Those are the Black Oirish, an' 'tis they that
bring dishgrace upon the name av Oireland, an' thim I wud kill—as I
nearly killed wan wanst.
"But to reshume. My room—'twas before I was married—was wid
twelve av the scum av the earth—the pickin's av the
gutter—mane men that wud neither laugh nor talk nor yet get dhrunk
as a man shud. They thried some av their dog's thricks on me, but I dhrew
a line round my cot, an' the man that thransgressed ut wint into hospital
for three days good.
"O'Hara had put his spite on the room—he was my Color
Sargint—an' nothin' cud we do to plaze him. I was younger than I am
now, an' I tuk what I got in the way av dressing down and
punishmint-dhrill wid my tongue in my cheek. But it was diff'rint wid the
others, an' why I cannot say, excipt that some men are borrun mane an' go
to dhirty murdher where a fist is more than enough. Afther a whoile, they
changed their chune to me an' was desp'rit frien'ly—all twelve av
thim cursin' O'Hara in chorus.
"'Eyah,' sez I, 'O'Hara's a divil an' I'm not for denyin' ut, but is he
the only man in the wurruld? Let him go. He'll get tired av findin' our
kit foul an' our 'coutrements onproperly kep'.'
"'We will not let him go,' sez they.
"'Thin take him,' sez I, 'an' a dashed poor yield you will get for your
"'Is he not misconductin' himself wid Slimmy's wife?' sez another.
"'She's common to the rig'mint,' sez I. 'Fwhat has made ye this
partic'lar on a suddint?'
"'Has he not put his spite on the roomful av us? Can we do anythin'
that he will not check us for?' sez another.
"'That's thrue,' sez I.
"'Will ye not help us to do aught,' sez another—'a big bould man
"'I will break his head upon his shoulthers av he puts hand on me,' sez
I. 'I will give him the lie av he says that I'm dhirty, an' I wud not mind
duckin' him in the Artillery troughs if ut was not that I'm thryin' for my
"'Is that all ye will do?' sez another. 'Have ye no more spunk than
that, ye blood-dhrawn calf?'
"'Blood-dhrawn I may be,' sez I, gettin' back to my cot an' makin' my
line round ut; 'but ye know that the man who comes acrost this mark will
be more blood-dhrawn than me. No man gives me the name in my mouth,' I
sez. 'Ondersthand, I will have no part wid you in anythin' ye do, nor will
I raise my fist to my shuperior. Is any wan comin' on?' sez I.
"They made no move, tho' I gave them full time, but stud growlin' an'
snarlin' together at wan ind av the room. I tuk up my cap and wint out to
Canteen, thinkin' no little av mesilf, and there I grew most ondacintly
dhrunk in my legs. My head was all reasonable.
"'Houligan,' I sez to a man in E Comp'ny that was by way av bein' a
frind av mine; 'I'm overtuk from the belt down. Do you give me the touch
av your shoulther to presarve my formation an' march me acrost the ground
into the high grass. I'll sleep ut off there,' sez I; an'
Houligan—he's dead now, but good he was while he lasted—walked
wid me, givin' me the touch whin I wint wide, ontil we came to the high
grass, an', my faith, the sky an' the earth was fair rowlin' undher me. I
made for where the grass was thickust, an' there I slep' off my liquor wid
an easy conscience. I did not desire to come on books too frequent; my
characther havin' been shpotless for the good half av a year.
"Whin I roused, the dhrink was dyin' out in me, an' I felt as though a
she-cat had littered in my mouth. I had not learned to hould my liquor wid
comfort in thim days. 'Tis little betther I am now. 'I will get Houligan
to pour a bucket over my head,' thinks I, an' I wud ha' risen, but I heard
some wan say: 'Mulvaney can take the blame av ut for the backslidin' hound
"'Oho!' sez I, an' my head rang like a guard-room gong: 'fwhat is the
blame that this young man must take to oblige Tim Vulmea?' For 'twas Tim
Vulmea that shpoke.
"I turned on my belly an' crawled through the grass, a bit at a time,
to where the spache came from. There was the twelve av my room sittin'
down in a little patch, the dhry grass wavin' above their heads an' the
sin av black murdher in their hearts. I put the stuff aside to get a clear
"'Fwhat's that?' sez wan man, jumpin' up.
"'A dog,' says Vulmea. 'You're a nice hand to this job! As I said,
Mulvaney will take the blame—av ut comes to a pinch.'
"''Tis harrd to swear a man's life away,' sez a young wan.
"'Thank ye for that,' thinks I. 'Now, fwhat the divil are you paragins
conthrivin' against me?'
"''Tis as easy as dhrinkin' your quart,' sez Vulmea. 'At seven or
thereon, O'Hara will come acrost to the Married Quarters, goin' to call on
Slimmy's wife, the swine! Wan av us'll pass the wurrd to the room an' we
shtart the divil an' all av a shine—laughin' an' crackin' on an'
t'rowin' our boots about. Thin O'Hara will come to give us the ordher to
be quiet, the more by token bekaze the room-lamp will be knocked over in
the larkin'. He will take the straight road to the ind door where there's
the lamp in the veranda, an' that'll bring him clear against the light as
he shtands. He will not be able to look into the dhark. Wan av us will
loose off, an' a close shot ut will be, an' shame to the man that misses.
'Twill be Mulvaney's rifle, she that that is at the head av the
rack—there's no mistakin' long-shtocked, cross-eyed bitch even in
"The thief misnamed my ould firin'-piece out av jealousy—I was
pershuaded av that—an' ut made me more angry than all.
"But Vulmea goes on: 'O'Hara will dhrop, an' by the time the light's
lit again, there'll be some six av us on the chest av Mulvaney, cryin'
murdher an' rape. Mulvaney's cot is near the ind door, an' the shmokin'
rifle will be lyin' undher him whin we've knocked him over. We know, an'
all the rig'mint knows, that Mulvaney has given O'Hara more lip than any
man av us. Will there be any doubt at the Coort-martial? Wud twelve honust
sodger-bhoys swear away the life av a dear, quiet, swate-timpered man such
as is Mulvaney—wid his line av pipe-clay roun' his cot, threatenin'
us wid murdher av we overshtepped ut, as we can truthful testify?'
"'Mary, Mother av Mercy!' thinks I to mesilf; 'it is this to have an
unruly number an' fistes fit to use! Oh the sneakin' hounds!'
"The big dhrops ran down my face, for I was wake wid the liquor an' had
not the full av my wits about me. I laid shtill an' heard thim workin'
themselves up to swear my life by tellin' tales av ivry time I had put my
mark on wan or another; an' my faith, they was few that was not so
dishtinguished. 'Twas all in the way av fair fight, though, for niver did
I raise my hand excipt whin they had provoked me to ut.
"'Tis all well,' sez wan av thim, 'but who's to do this shootin'?'
"'Fwhat matther?' sez Vulmea. 'Tis Mulvaney will do that—at the
"'He will so,' sez the man, 'but whose hand is put to the
trigger—in the room?'
"'Who'll do ut?' sez Vulmea, lookin' round, but divil a man answeared.
They began to dishpute till Kiss, that was always playin' Shpoil Five,
sez: 'Thry the kyards!' Wid that he opined his tunic an' tuk out the
greasy palammers, an' they all fell in wid the notion.
"'Deal on!' sez Vulmea, wid a big rattlin' oath, 'an' the Black Curse
av Shielygh come to the man that will not do his duty as the kyards say.
"'Black Jack is the masther,' sez Kiss, dealin'. 'Black Jack, sorr, I
shud expaytiate to you, is the Ace av Shpades which from time immimorial
has been intimately connect wid battle, murdher an' suddin death.
"Wanst Kiss dealt an' there was no sign, but the men was whoite
wid the workin's av their sowls. Twice Kiss dealt, an' there was a
grey shine on their cheeks like the mess av an egg. Three times
Kiss dealt an' they was blue. 'Have ye not lost him?' sez Vulmea, wipin'
the sweat on him; 'Let's ha' done quick!' 'Quick ut is,' sez Kiss t'rowin'
him the kyard; an' ut fell face up on his knee—Black Jack!
"Thin they all cackled wid laughin'. 'Duty thrippence,' sez wan av
thim, 'an' damned cheap at that price!' But I cud see they all dhrew a
little away from Vulmea an' lef' him sittin' playin' wid the kyard. Vulmea
sez no word for a whoile but licked his lips—cat-ways. Thin he threw
up his head an' made the men swear by ivry oath known to stand by him not
alone in the room but at the Coort-martial that was to set on me!
He tould off five av the biggest to stretch me on my cot whin the shot was
fired, an' another man he tould off to put out the light, an' yet another
to load my rifle. He wud not do that himself; an' that was quare, for
'twas but a little thing considerin'.
"Thin they swore over again that they wud not bethray wan another, an'
crep' out av the grass in diff'rint ways, two by two. A mercy ut was that
they did not come on me. I was sick wid fear in the pit av my
stummick—sick, sick, sick! Afther they was all gone, I wint back to
Canteen an' called for a quart to put a thought in me. Vulmea was there,
dhrinkin' heavy, an' politeful to me beyond reason. 'Fwhat will I
do—fwhat will I do?' thinks I to mesilf whin Vulmea wint away.
"Presintly the Arm'rer Sargint comes in stiffin' an' crackin' on, not
pleased wid any wan, bekaze the Martini-Henry bein' new to the rig'mint in
those days we used to play the mischief wid her arrangemints. 'Twas a long
time before I cud get out av the way av thryin' to pull back the
back-sight an' turnin' her over afther firin'—as if she was a
"'Fwhat tailor-men do they give me to work wid?' sez the Arm'rer
Sargint. 'Here's Hogan, his nose flat as a table, laid by for a week, an'
ivry Comp'ny sendin' their arrums in knocked to small shivreens.'
"'Fwhat's wrong wid Hogan, Sargint?' sez I.
"'Wrong!' sez the Arm'rer Sargint; 'I showed him, as though I had been
his mother, the way av shtrippin' a 'Tini, an' he shtrup her clane an'
easy. I tould him to put her to again an' fire a blank into the blow-pit
to show how the dirt hung on the groovin'. He did that, but he did not put
in the pin av the fallin'-block, an' av coorse whin he fired he was strook
by the block jumpin' clear. Well for him 'twas but a blank—a full
charge wud ha' cut his oi out,"
"I looked a thrifle wiser than a boiled sheep's head. 'How's that,
Sargint?' sez I.
"'This way, ye blundherin' man, an' don't you be doin' ut,' sez he. Wid
that he shows me a Waster action—the breech av her all cut away to
show the inside—an' so plazed he was to grumble that he dimonstrated
fwhat Hogan had done twice over. 'An' that comes av not knowin' the
wepping you're purvided wid,' sez he.
"'Thank ye, Sargint,' sez I; 'I will come to you again for further
"'Ye will not,' sez he, 'Kape your clanin'-rod away from the breech-pin
or you will get into throuble.'
"I wint outside an' I could ha' danced wid delight for the grandeur av
ut. 'They will load my rifle, good luck to thim, whoile I'm away,' thinks
I, and back I wint to the Canteen to give them their clear chanst.
"The Canteen was fillin' wid men at the ind av the day. I made feign to
be far gone in dhrink, an', wan by wan, all my roomful came in wid Vulmea.
I wint away, walkin' thick an' heavy, but not so thick an' heavy that any
wan cud ha' tuk me. Sure and thrue, there was a kyartridge gone from my
pouch an' lyin' snug in my rifle. I was hot wid rage against thim all, an'
I worried the bullet out wid my teeth as fast as I cud, the room bein'
empty. Then I tuk my boot an' the clanin'-rod and knocked out the pin av
the fallin'-block. Oh, 'twas music when that pin rowled on the flure! I
put ut into my pouch an' stuck a dab av dirt on the holes in the plate,
puttin' the fallin'-block back. 'That'll do your business, Vulmea,' sez I,
lyin' easy on the cot. 'Come an' sit on my chest the whole room av you,
an' I will take you to my bosom for the biggest divils that iver cheated
halter.' I would have no mercy on Vulmea. His oi or his life—little
"At dusk they came back, the twelve av thim, an' they had all been
dhrinkin'. I was shammin' sleep on the cot. Wan man wint outside in the
veranda. Whin he whishtled they began to rage roun' the room an' carry on
tremenjus. But I niver want to hear men laugh as they
did—sky-larkin' too! 'Twas like mad jackals.
"'Shtop that blasted noise!' sez O'Hara in the dark, an' pop goes the
room lamp. I cud hear O'Hara runnin' up an' the rattlin' av my rifle in
the rack an' the men breathin' heavy as they stud roun' my cot. I cud see
O'Hara in the light av the veranda lamp, an' thin I heard the crack av my
rifle. She cried loud, poor darlint, bein' mishandled. Next minut' five
men were houldin' me down. 'Go easy,' I sez; 'fwhat's ut all about?'
"Thin Vulmea, on the flure, raised a howl you cud hear from wan ind av
cantonmints to the other. 'I'm dead, I'm butchered, I'm blind!' sez he.
'Saints have mercy on my sinful sowl! Sind for Father Constant! Oh sind
for Father Constant an' let me go clean!' By that I knew he was not so
dead as I cud ha' wished.
"O'Hara picks up the lamp in the veranda wid a hand as stiddy as a
rest. 'Fwhat damned dog's thrick is this av yours?' sez he, and turns the
light on Tim Vulmea that was shwimmin' in blood from top to toe. The
fallin'-block had sprung free behin' a full charge av powther—good
care I tuk to bite down the brass afther takin' out the bullet that there
might be somethin' to give ut full worth—an' had cut Tim from the
lip to the corner av the right eye, lavin' the eyelid in tatthers, an' so
up an' along by the forehead to the hair. 'Twas more av a rakin' plough,
if you will ondherstand, than a clean cut; an' niver did I see a man bleed
as Vulmea did, The dhrink an' the stew that he was in pumped the blood
strong. The minut' the men sittin' on my chest heard O'Hara spakin' they
scatthered each wan to his cot, an' cried out very politeful: 'Fwhat is
"'Fwhat is ut!' sez O'Hara. shakin' Tim. 'Well an' good do you know
fwhat ut is, ye skulkin' ditch-lurkin' dogs! Get a doolie, an' take
this whimperin' scutt away. There will be more heard av ut than any av you
will care for.'
"Vulmea sat up rockin' his head in his hand an' moanin' for Father
"'Be done!' sez O'Hara, dhraggin' him up by the hair. 'You're none so
dead that you cannot go fifteen years for thryin' to shoot me.'
"'I did not,' sez Vulmea; 'I was shootin' mesilf.'
"'That's quare,' sez O'Hara, 'for the front av my jackut is black wid
your powther.' He tuk up the rifle that was still warm an' began to laugh.
'I'll make your life Hell to you,' sez he, 'for attempted murdher an'
kapin' your rifle onproperly. You'll be hanged first an' thin put undher
stoppages for four fifteen. The rifle's done for,' sez he.
"'Why, 'tis my rifle!' sez I, comin' up to look; 'Vulmea, ye divil,
fwhat were you doin' wid her—answer me that?'
"'Lave me alone,' sez Vulmea; 'I'm dyin'!'
"'I'll wait till you're betther,' sez I, 'an' thin we two will talk ut
"O'Hara pitched Tim into the doolie, none too tinder, but all
the bhoys kep' by their cots, which was not the sign av innocint men. I
was huntin' ivrywhere for my fallin'-block, but not findin' ut at all. I
niver found ut.
"'Now fwhat will I do?' sez O'Hara, swinging the veranda light
in his hand an' lookin' down the room. I had hate and contimpt av O'Hara
an' I have now, dead tho' he is, but, for all that, will I say he was a
brave man. He is baskin' in Purgathory this tide, but I wish he cud hear
that, whin he stud lookin' down the room an' the bhoys shivered before the
oi av him, I knew him for a brave man an' I liked him so.
"'Fwhat will I do?' sez O'Hara agin, an' we heard the voice av a woman
low an' sof' in the veranda. 'Twas Slimmy's wife, come over at the shot,
sittin' on wan av the benches an' scarce able to walk.
"'O Denny!—Denny, dear,' sez she, 'have they kilt you?'
"O'Hara looked down the room again an' showed his teeth to the gum.
Then he spat on the flare.
"'You're not worth ut,' sez he. 'Light that lamp, ye dogs,' an' wid
that he turned away, an' I saw him walkin' off wid Slimmy's wife; she
thryin' to wipe off the powther-black on the front av his jackut wid her
handkerchief. 'A brave man you are,' thinks I—'a brave man an' a bad
"No wan said a word for a time. They was all ashamed, past spache,
"'Fwhat d'you think he will do?' sez wan av thim at last. 'He knows
we're all in ut.'
"'Are we so?' sez I from my cot. 'The man that sez that to me will be
hurt. I do not know,' sez I, 'fwhat onderhand divilmint you have
conthrived, but by what I've seen I know that you cannot commit murdher
wid another man's rifle—such shakin' cowards you are. I'm goin' to
slape,' I sez, 'an' you can blow my head off whoile I lay.' I did not
slape, though, for a long time. Can ye wonder?
"Next morn the news was through all the rig'mint, an' there was nothin'
that the men did not tell. O'Hara reports, fair an' easy, that Vulmea was
come to grief through tamperin' wid his rifle in barricks, all for to show
the mechanism. An' by my sowl, he had the impart'nince to say that he was
on the sphot at the time an' cud certify that ut was an accidint! You
might ha' knocked my roomful down wid a straw whin they heard that. 'Twas
lucky for thim that the bhoys were always thryin' to find out how the new
rifle was made, an' a lot av thim had come up for easin' the pull by
shtickin' bits av grass an' such in the part av the lock that showed near
the thrigger. The first issues of the 'Tinis was not covered in, an' I
mesilf have eased the pull av mine time an' agin. A light pull is ten
points on the range to me.
"'I will not have this foolishness!' sez the Colonel, 'I will twist the
tail off Vulmea!' sez he; but whin he saw him, all tied up an' groanin' in
hospital, he changed his will. 'Make him an early convalescint' sez he to
the Doctor, an' Vulmea was made so for a warnin'. His big bloody bandages
an' face puckered up to wan side did more to kape the bhoys from messin'
wid the insides av their rifles than any punishmint.
"O'Hara gave no reason for fwhat he'd said, an' all my roomful were too
glad to inquire, tho' he put his spite upon thim more wearin' than before.
Wan day, howiver, he tuk me apart very polite, for he cud be that at the
"'You're a good sodger, tho' you're a damned insolint man,' sez he.
"'Fair words, Sargint,' sez I, 'or I may be insolint again,'
"'Tis not like you,' sez he, 'to lave your rifle in the rack widout the
breech-pin, for widout the breech-pin she was whin Vulmea fired. I should
ha' found the break av ut in the eyes av the holes, else,' he sez.
"'Sargint,' sez I, 'fwhat wud your life ha' been worth av the
breech-pin had been in place, for, on my sowl, my life wud be worth just
as much to me av I tould you whether ut was or was not. Be thankful the
bullet was not there,' I sez.
"'That's thrue,' sez he, pulling his moustache; 'but I do not believe
that you, for all your lip, was in that business.'
"'Sargint,' sez I, 'I cud hammer the life out av a man in ten minuts
wid my fistes if that man dishpleased me; for I am a good sodger, an' I
will be threated as such, an' whoile my fistes are my own they're strong
enough for all work I have to do. They do not fly back toward me!' sez I,
lookin' him betune the eyes.
"'You're a good man,' sez he, lookin' me betune the eyes—an' oh
he was a gran'-built man to see!—'you're a good man,' he sez, 'an' I
cud wish, for the pure frolic av ut, that I was not a Sargint, or that you
were not a Privit; an' you will think me no coward whin I say this
"'I do not,' sez I. 'I saw you whin Vulmea mishandled the rifle. But,
Sargint,' I sez, 'take the wurrd from me now, spakin' as man to man wid
the shtripes off, tho' 'tis little right I have to talk, me being fwhat I
am by natur'. This time ye tuk no harm, an' next time ye may not, but, in
the ind, so sure as Slimmy's wife came into the veranda, so sure will ye
take harm—an' bad harm. Have thought, Sargint,' sez I. 'Is ut worth
"'Ye're a bould man,' sez he, breathin' harrd. 'A very bould man. But I
am a bould man tu. Do you go your way, Privit Mulvaney, an' I will go
"We had no further spache thin or afther, but, wan by another, he
drafted the twelve av my room out into other rooms an' got thim spread
among the Comp'nies, for they was not a good breed to live together, an'
the Comp'ny orf'cers saw ut. They wud ha' shot me in the night av they had
known fwhat I knew; but that they did not.
"An', in the ind, as I said, O'Hara met his death from Rafferty for
foolin' wid his wife. He wint his own way too well—Eyah, too well!
Shtraight to that affair, widout turnin' to the right or to the lef', he
wint, an' may the Lord have mercy on his sowl. Amin!"
"'Ear! 'Ear!" said Ortheris, pointing the moral with a wave of his
pipe, "An' this is 'im 'oo would be a bloomin' Vulmea all for the sake of
Mullins an' a bloomin' button! Mullins never went after a woman in his
life. Mrs. Mullins, she saw 'im one day"—
"Ortheris," I said, hastily, for the romances of Private Ortheris are
all too daring for publication, "look at the sun. It's quarter past
"O Lord! Three quarters of an hour for five an' a 'arf miles! We'll
'ave to run like Jimmy-O."
The Three Musketeers clambered on to the bridge, and departed hastily
in the direction of the cantonment road. When I overtook them I offered
them two stirrups and a tail, which they accepted enthusiastically.
Ortheris held the tail, and in this manner we trotted steadily through the
shadows by an unfrequented road.
At the turn into the cantonments we heard carriage wheels. It was the
Colonel's barouche, and in it sat the Colonel's wife and daughter. I
caught a suppressed chuckle, and my beast sprang forward with a lighter
The Three Musketeers had vanished into the night.